Couples often argue- about chores, finances, parenting, and a range of other things. While these concerns are important, what often keeps couples stuck is not the topic itself, but the emotional reactions underneath it.

In Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), we talk about “parts.” Parts are different aspects of ourselves that developed to help us navigate life. Some parts protect us from rejection. Some try to keep us in control. Some work hard to avoid conflict. Others become angry, critical, withdrawn, or defensive when they feel threatened.

The interesting thing is that when couples get stuck in repetitive arguments, it is often these protective parts interacting with one another.

Imagine one partner has a part that worries about being unimportant. When their partner forgets to help with the dishes, that part may become activated and respond with criticism or frustration. The other partner may have a part that is highly sensitive to feeling judged or like they are failing. In response to the criticism, they become defensive or shut down. Before long, the argument appears to be about dishes. But underneath it, two protective parts are trying to protect deeper fears and vulnerabilities.

Many couples spend years trying to solve the surface problem without understanding the emotional cycle happening underneath. They work harder to communicate, negotiate, or compromise, but continue finding themselves in the same loop.

When couples begin to recognize the parts involved, something shifts. Instead of seeing their partner as the problem, they become curious about what is happening inside themselves and each other.

The conversation changes from:

“You never help around the house.”

To:

“When this happens, a part of me starts to feel unimportant and alone.”

Or from:

“You’re always criticizing me.”

To:

“A part of me becomes scared that I’m failing you.”

These conversations are often more vulnerable, but they also create more understanding and connection. It can be hard to look beyond day-to-day disagreements and explore the fears, hurts, and protective parts underneath. It requires courage to let a partner see what is happening beneath the anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

When there is enough safety in the relationship, however, this work can be incredibly impactful. Couples often discover that underneath the conflict are two people who are trying to protect themselves.

Instead of “What are we fighting about?”

Try asking:

“What part of me is showing up right now, and what is it trying to protect?”

The answer may reveal that the argument is about more than the dishes. Understanding those parts can bring couples closer together more than solving the argument ever could. As partners begin to understand each other’s reactions, compassion starts to replace blame, and curiosity begins to replace defensiveness.

If you are curious about understanding more about the parts at play in your relationship dynamics, Inward Bound Psychology has a strong and diverse team of therapists that offer individual, couple and family therapy. Please reach out at info@inwardbound.ca or 403-828-1246

Written by Dailyn Kernaghan, Registered Psychologist at Inward Bound Psychology